Wake me up when September ends
August 21, 2005
I've been spending a lot of time alone lately which has been great. It gives me a lot of time to engage in one of my favorite hobbies - thinking. Obviously, I can think any old time, but it's nice to be able to just have dedicated chunks of time devoted to thinking and self-analyzing. It's one of the reasons I don't like working out with someone else, and why I'm trying to discourage PG from making it a habit for us to work out together (even though he just signed up for a 3-month membership at my gym) - it makes it that much harder to just zone out and get lost in your own thoughts.
[Quick aside: BK hinted that he thinks that my many references to PG in this diary recently are indicative of mentionitis - I bring him up so much because something is going on. This is the great thing about PG. We are friends. He knows that. I know that. He's not interested in me. I'm not interested in him. Even if he was or I was, he has already been madly in love with one of my closest friends in the world, and has actually dated another friend of mine. He knows when not to further complicate things; I know that sloppy seconds ain't my style. To top it all off, we have absolutely no physical interest in one another. So...in case anyone else was wondering, whomp! there it is.]
But back to thinking. Earlier today when I was reading/lying in bed hoping my pounding headache would go away, I hit upon something and I was finally able to define and get rid of an issue that has been nagging at the back of my mind, and bothering me a great deal more than I care to admit.
I really hate it when I feel like someone is holding back. I know that this revelation is not particularly earth-shattering, but being able to identify and vocalize it really helped me release this issue that I've been tense over lately, and it has been such a relief to finally be able to let it go. I hate holding onto negative energy, though sometimes, try as I might, I just can't let it go.
Feeling like someone I am close to is withholding from me, brings back all sorts of nightmares from my sophomore and junior years of high school. I was still conservative, though becoming increasingly less religious. My three closest friends at the time were in love with a group of stupid boys who liked to drink, smoke up, and party on the weekend. (They were not stupid because they liked to drink, smoke up, and party but because they were just...trust me on this one...really dumb.) My girlfriends felt that they had to conceal this - and the fact that they joined them in their weekend activities - from me, and I'll never understand why. Even at that young age I think I was pretty fair. I always stated that my beliefs and practices were so-and-so but I didn't expect anyone else to do the same, or look down on anyone who didn't believe as I did, and I think I always made that very clear. The entire issue culminated in an evening spent at the house of a friend whom I consider my first and last true "best" friend (as understood and defined in grades 1 to�7), GC, who was one of the 3 young ladies who felt particularly uncomfortable drinking around me, even though I know she did it and I really didn't give a flying fuck.
We were all at GC's house hanging out and cooking. And then suddenly GC and my other two other close friends were nowhere to be found. I went around the apartment looking for them, heard them playing music in GC's bedroom, and start to push open the door only to have it slammed in my face. Like, literally. The door actually hit my face. And it really hurt.
I don't want or need a friend to tell me EVERYTHING. I can certainly understand the need to keep some things private. But I realized today that when I feel like a friend is really withholding, and is especially making an effort to really hold something back from ME it feels like a door is being slammed hard in my face. And it really hurts. Honestly, I�d just rather have everything laid out before me, no matter how much it might hurt to hear it. At least when I know something, I can do something (or not do something as the case may be). The only thing I can do when I�m kept in the dark is blow things entirely out of proportion.
For a while, things were strained between GC and I especially. We stopped hanging out as much, and I ended up spending my weekends playing truth or dare with the baddest boys in school, and talking my friend Heather off a ledge when she thought one of them might have gotten her pregnant. And now, after growing really close again in our first years of college, GC doesn�t talk to me anymore. And I think part of it is because I went ahead and did all the things she assumed I would judge her for.
But having this realization today has really helped me take a load off my mind. It allowed me to at least realize that I have not been upset lately with this friend that I'm upset with because I actually have feelings for him, or because I feel rejected, or something complicated like that, which I was worried was the case. I just feel like he's withholding, and I don't know why, and I do think it might have something to do with me. And I wish that there was something I could do to make him open up, but I know that there isn't. I've tried to show him enough that I really care, and that I'm there for him, and as far as I'm concerned, my work is done.
Sorry if my entries have been boringly long lately, y�all. Seems like I�m in need of some mental...fall cleaning.