"You ask me to enter but then you make me crawl"
August 18, 2005
I�ve been seeing A LOT of PG lately, which has been interesting just because I�m no longer used to spending that much dedicated time with anyone outside my family. The morning after art therapy , he came with me to the gym. I�m usually not into working out with someone else, but it was fun with PG�especially after he introduced me to his Zen Micro, an MP3 player I�ve been eyeing for months, but which I wasn�t sold on until I sampled his.
Then I saw him again last night at a going away dinner for his ex/our friend Smin, who is leaving on Saturday to start a PhD program at Columbia. And then again this morning at the gym. After which we went and had coffee. I feel like I�ve spent more time with him over the past 5 days than I�ve spent with any of my other friends all summer.
But back to the dinner. The usual cast of characters were in attendance�Mini, PG, Mo, Smin. We got to talking about my upcoming trip to Ireland, and I found out that Mo will be in London visiting a friend of ours from high school at around the same time that I�m in Dublin. I was trying to convince Mo that both he and Farah should meet up with me in Dublin. He tried to convince me that I should visit them in London. Then I reminded him what a James Joyce buff Farah is, and wouldn�t it make more sense for the both of them to come to a city they�d never seen before?
Anyway, all this devolved into Mo, and everyone at the table, trying to understand what my decade-long obsession with Ireland is all about. Mo at first was like, �Yeah, everyone was kind of into Ireland at one point. Either because of Joyce or Yeats, or U2, or the freaking Cranberries or something. But what has sustained your obsession for this long?�
I can never really explain it. I�m not much into dreaming�but I do have one big dream, and it�s called Ireland, and I can offer weak justifications for liking it so much based on political history, literature, music, natural phenomena, but that�s not quite it. It�s like one day it made its way into my head, and it has stuck ever since.
Mo, however, thought he�d finally hit upon the answer when he suddenly exclaimed�in the relatively quiet restaurant��Oh! I know! It�s Colin, isn�t it?�
No, he wasn�t talking about Colin Farrell, but my real-life friend and �dot dot dot�, Colin, who was a 2nd generation Irish-American, but who went back to the Old Country quite often during the years I knew him in Kuwait. The story of Newgy and Colin is a cinematic, poignant tale of young almost-love and friendship which has outlasted the test of time, distance, and adolescent insecurity, and culminated in this.
It�s funny, though. I never thought that Mo noticed what went down between Colin and me. I mean, Mini LOVES to talk about how Colin and I used to love to abuse each other, but though I�ve known Mo for almost 13 years now, until this past year it was always in a distant, hey-we�re-both-Egyptians-who-love-this-land-called-Kuwait kind of way. He was like the older brother I didn�t have. The popular, trendy older brother who cared for me, but didn�t know much about me. So I was surprised that he knew enough about me and Colin to deduce that a big part of my love/interest in Ireland began with Colin (yeah, it kinda does. I mean, he was the first person I told when I decided I wanted to go), and knew enough to loudly explain to everyone at the table who didn�t know, �Newgy and Colin�s relationship was FUCKED UP! (It really kind of was.)
Do people want to hear about this? This entry is kind of really long already, but I guess I�ll go ahead and write this down anyway. I feel like reminiscing.
I met Colin�a friend that everyone always remembers as more than a friend of mine�during our first week of high school. I was running for student council, and handed one of my stickers to this quiet, loner who was new to our school. He refused to take the sticker, which surprised me, but also definitely made me notice him. It was only after that that I noticed he was in my English class. Let me just say, Colin can do a reading of Lord of the Flies like nobody�s business.
Anyway, the way I remember it, at the time I never really liked him �that way� but I knew he liked me�or I suspected he did. I found out for sure at the end of freshman year. And in all honestly, looking back, I was probably in love with Colin something fierce, but I was still pretty religious at that age, and I just couldn�t fathom liking a boy with whom I couldn�t possibly have a future. I was a very serious young lady between the ages of 14-17, let me tell you.
Nonetheless, we had a tumultuous, mind-fucking relationship, and we might as well have been a couple for all the sweet, mean, warm, cold, things we did for and to each other. But the relationship was complicated�it remained complicated throughout college when he came to visit me a few times, and we finally told each other how much we loved each other�even if it wasn�t in �that way�. Sometimes I think the relationship is still complicated, simply because I don�t think I really give Colin enough credit for the influence he has had on me and in my life. I was thinking about how much of what happened between us I�ve internalized and allowed to affect my life.
There are issues which I care about deeply, which can be traced directly back to him. There are things I will not say, because I do not believe in them. And I don�t believe in them because of him. There is this trip to Ireland which has been ten years in the making, and there is specifically a draw to visit Co. Mayo�where Colin�s family is mostly from. Mostly I�m trying not to invest too much into this trip, and have it be just about me having fun, while discovering a new country. But somewhere in the back of my mind this trip is almost like a pilgrimage for me�an attempt to come into closer contact with something I have held so dear for so long that I seem to have forgotten when it all really began.