A post wherein Newgy posts a lot of links and attempts to discuss relationships
April 06, 2006
Recently, Greg and I have been exchanging emails in which we discuss relationships, the courage required to start and maintain one, and the need for validation, which were loosely inspired by this post of his, as well as recent conversations with friends.
As I mentioned to Greg, it�s been a long while since I�ve sat down and really thought about relationships, but it seems to be the season for that now. Various friends of mine have been going through their own relationship and/or personal traumas as related to romance, and analyzing relationships seems to be all the rage right now. I, however, remain blissfully, uncomplicatedly single.
Moving along...the discussion about relationships and sex as validation came up the other night as I was dropping a friend off after art therapy. This friend has been undergoing a spiritual transformation over the past year. He has gone from full-time stoner/borderline alcoholic to attempting to be a squeaky clean do-gooder who prays as many prayers as possible at the mosque. But he was quite the ladies man back in the day, and recently he has been in a bit of crisis because, among other things, he has been feeling extremely unattractive, and is no longer willing to go out and get laid, and therefore receive some sort of validation of his attractiveness as he did before. I, of course, reassured him (in the most friend-like way) that I thought him to be extremely attractive (and then in a very unfriend-like way, had visions of pulling the car over and having my way with him when he started talking about how adept he used to be at pleasing his women, practically losing it when he said, �Boys need to learn to spend a little time down there.�)
But, anyway, he brought up a point I found interesting when he said, �I�ve been told I relate to sex in a way very similar to women. I use it for validation.�
Now, I don�t think of myself as an overwhelmingly confident person. Or even a very confident one. But I do like to think that I keep my need for external validation to a minimum, and that�s because in general I DO like myself, and I don�t need anyone else to like me in order to like myself more. Or rather, I�m going to like or dislike myself more or less to the same degree despite how others feel about me. That is not to say I don�t enjoy having other people compliment or appreciate me, and it certainly doesn�t mean that in a relationship I do not try my utmost to please the other person, but I think I do that because I like seeing the people I care about happy and satisfied.
So, anyway, I find the need that some people have to constantly be in a relationship something I cannot relate to, and I think that is to a great extent tied to my not requiring validation (and to being a bit of an introvert, but that�s another discussion entirely).
Today I�ve been browsing the interesting Spatch Diaries, the diary of a New York girl who, by her own admission, hates not being in a relationship. In one entry she muses about a discussion with her therapist, in which her therapists asked �whether I'd rather go on a lackluster date or curl up with a good book, a glass of wine and a bubble bath. My first inclination was to say I'd prefer the date. Even a date that isn't going well still involves interaction between two people and the book/wine/bath combination is steeped in solitude.
Not at all to dog on Spatch�or other people who have a constant need for human companionship�but to express my point of view, the above question would have been a no-brainer for me. I would hands-down prefer to stay in than engage in a lackluster interaction with someone else. Hell, in some cases I�d prefer to stay in by myself than engage in what could be an exciting time with someone.
Now I, and most of my close friends (whether male or female), tend to believe that we�d rather be in a good relationship or not at all, and up until recently I thought that this was a good way to be. I don�t necessarily think it�s NOT a good way to be anymore, but I do find myself wondering more often lately whether or not (to go back to Greg�s post) I have given up on things too easily because it was easier/more satisfying to be alone than to work through whatever issues I may have had.
Alternately, have I stuck with certain relationships too long because I believed it meant more than it did due to the fact that I liked being with that person, and I don�t think I�m the type to enjoy spending that much time with just anyone? Does that make sense?
This segues into a brief discussion I had with Jing yesterday about letting go, and the different ways in which people say goodbye (or don�t) to relationships. But that�s a whole other discussion, and this is already too long as it is.