Get out of myspace
January 26, 2006
I had a strange epiphany of sorts this morning. I logged into my Myspace account to find�as usual�my inbox had 4 or 5 messages from sorely misguided boys, mostly Egyptian. But then I found I had one message from a lad named Sean. The message itself was alright. He said he thought I was cute, and would I message him back? So, even though I almost never message these guys back, I went to check out his profile. It was insanely HTMLed up, with florescent text and little animations. Sean is 31 and lives in the American Midwest, and it seems that most of his Myspace friends are porn stars. In any case, I�m looking at his �About Me� section, which was actually pretty cool, despite the annoying misspellings, and his interest seemed pretty, well, interesting. And I found myself thinking that as turned off as I was by the general layout, there was something about the way he looked in his pictures, and his About Me section that reminded me of someone I knew. Someone I liked. And then I realized�he totally reminds me of Colin. Which got me to thinking�how many times have I brushed someone off for seeming a little trashy, weird, annoying, whatever, only to have possibly brushed off someone who was a lot like someone else who has been really important and dear in my life?
It�s not that I need more friends in my life�especially not the virtual kind�but I�ve been wondering lately why I don�t WANT more friends in my life. On the one hand, I�ve kind of been busting out lately, making plans to meet up with new people, but on the other hand, the efforts are insincere. I do it so I can say, �Well, I made an effort.� But the fact is people scare me. Interacting with people scares me. I�d be more okay with it if I knew that I could keep the situation from getting serious, but the idea that a situation might move beyond the acquaintance level is enough to make me think twice about new introductions in the first place.
It�s funny; I think that one of the first things someone would say about me is that I am a friendly person. PG�s father once called me �bubbly�, and his brother told PG that he really appreciated the effort I put into talking to him the first time I met him. Mini often tells me that she�s the friend she brings along to meet new people because she knows that I will put them at ease, keep a conversation going. When put in the situation I am very sociable. But I�d rather not be put in the situation.
I�ve been seeing a dermatologist lately because my �breakout� problem has escalated into a pretty full-blown acne problem. I went to him yesterday for my first light-therapy session. It�s been less than a day, but already I can see the good effects. The scars have lightened, and the more recently formed pimples are less red. This damn well better work considering the money I�m paying for it. :) Anyway, aside from making some odd, mildly-flirtatious comments and prescribing some antibiotics, the doctor also encouraged me to keep a list for the next week of my feelings. He said that adult onset acne for someone who does not have hormone problems often comes as a result of emotional stress. He asked me if I thought I was a closed person, someone who keeps their feelings bottled up, and I told him that I did not think so (but that my sister does). And then he said, �You seem like the kind of person who never tells everything, and especially not to a single person. You may have one friend who knows this aspect of your life, another friend who knows another. Your mom may be aware of your work-related problems, but not much else in your life.�
And I guess I�d have to say that�s true. I just told someone today that I was reading the archives for this diary recently, and I realized that as time progressed I�ve started writing less and less about what is actually going on in my life. And this doesn�t just apply here. I talk less in general. When someone asks me what�s new in my life my response is almost always, �Same old. Same old. How about you?�
So he asked me to keep a list where I make notes about the different aspects of my life�work, family (subdivided into parents and siblings), friends, boyfriend (�What? You don�t HAVE a boyfriend? I find that hard to believe.� �Ok, thanks doc. Stop staring at my breasts please.�)�and write down positive and negative events that happen in each category.
As I was leaving he said, �I know this is going to be hard for you, but I�m your doctor. I�m one of the few men in your life in front of whom you can feel comfortable being naked.� (uh???) �So try to just be honest and open about what�s going on inside. It will make a difference with what�s going on outside.�
I just grinned and told him I�d try, but in my mind I was already thinking of ways to give him something without really giving him anything.