I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life*
February 07, 2005
From yesterday�s New York Times Magazine
Yet another editorial about a parent and their drug-addicted child. I don�t mean to sound flippant. No matter how many times I read these stories of drug addictions, I can sit and read through another similar yet different story, with the same level of interest each time.
The truth is, the older I get, and the more of these stories I read, the more I regret I didn�t try more drugs when I was younger, because now I think there is no way I could try the drugs I really want to try, knowing what I know. It�s not just concerns that I might become addicted that stop me. Most of the time I�m able to tell myself that I would never get addicted, BECAUSE I know these things, and because I have this strange idea that I can control my life no matter what. For example, in the past 6 months my eyesight has severely deteriorated, but for months I refused to wear my new, extra-strength glasses because I felt like the fact that I couldn�t read the small print on the TV screen or the huge print on the far off billboard was because I was being lazy and not focusing my eyes enough. It�s like I refused to believe that what was wrong with my eyes was physical and not mental, and no matter how much I willed them to work they just won�t work like they used to.
In addition, aside from addiction, the thing that keeps me from trying the drugs I�m especially curious to try is the effect that they have on the system. As a kid I used to have seizures, and though there was no explanation for the seizures then, and I haven�t had one in over 12 years, I wonder if some drug won�t set it off again, and I�ll end up pathetically choking on my tongue and dying. That would suck. Furthermore, I�m specifically concerned with certain drug�s effects on dopamine levels. My grandfather�a police inspector who led a healthy, active life, both physically and intellectually�died of Parkinson�s disease, a disease which is believed to be caused by a dopamine deficiency. It was really hard to see in his eyes that his mind was as sharp as ever as he steadily lost control over his body and his ability to communicate his thoughts.
There was this book I read when I was 13, Second Star to the Right , about an anorexic girl. Rather than warn me away from the dangers of self-starvation, all I wanted to do was see if I too could consume less than 300 calories a day. That was the summer I dropped 14 pounds in 2 and a half weeks by eating only cucumbers and green peppers all day, pushing some food around my plate at night during dinner with my family, and then eating one granny smith apple for �desert� after having gone on my third jog for the day. It was also the summer I developed my all or nothing attitude�a credo that was oft-repeated throughout Second Star to the Right . If my sister or mother took a bite of my apple, then I went into the bathroom and threw up the rest of the apple. If I couldn�t have it all, I didn�t want any of it.
All this is just to get to the point that I think I also came away from one of my favorite movies of all time, Trainspotting, with the �wrong� message. Though for a while before seeing that movie my young, hippie-emulating self thought LSD would be a really far out drug to try some day, since seeing that movie heroin remains the one drug I am really curious about trying. I just want to try it once. I just want to know if it really is nowhere near your best orgasm multiplied by 1,000. Also, because I�m all about empathizing, and since I�ve come to Cairo I�ve befriended two former (well, one is not-so-former) heroin addicts, sometimes I think I�d like to try it in order to glimpse some sort of understanding of what they�re going through.
But despite my often telling myself that I would never become addicted after trying this or that drug just once, the truth is I do have an addictive personality, and an array of mostly relatively harmless, but nonetheless persistent habits. As you all well know, I�ve got that little addiction to television. I can go without it for very long stretches of time, but ultimately, I want my TV. Also, I�ve been biting my nails since the age of 6, and no matter how many times I tell myself that next summer I will sport the classiest French manicure, within hours of promising to never look at my fingers with lust again, I�ve chewed off all my cuticles. Like most people I have an unhealthy relationship with food�seeing it as a source of both punishment and pleasure. In the past five years my weight has fluctuated ridiculously, and I tell myself that one day, with God�s help, I will conquer this affliction. And, finally, though I insist that I am not physically addicted to nicotine�after all, I can go for weeks without smoking and barely craving a cigarette with none of the signs of withdrawal�I must at least have a mental addiction to it, because I know I will always be a smoker. Along with a hot meal and a drink, when I�m stressed or relieved, I�m always going to want a smoke to reward myself.
I think we are all unhealthily addicted to something. Yes, I believe that addictions to studying, exercise, or affection, for example, can be supremely unhealthy. They are all just ways of getting through the day when we can�t deal with some small part of ourselves.
But, ultimately, I don�t think I�ll try those drugs because I�d really, really hate to develop a serious addiction to something and have to give up the lesser things I dabble in as part of the rehabilitation. It always makes me sad when I go out to a club with my rehabilitated friends and catch them eyeing my drink. It makes me glad to just remain a domestic and socially acceptable addict.
*How many other Trainspotting references can you spot?