Awake in perfect blue buildings
April 26, 2004
First of all, I apologize for the messed up state of the links in this diary. I don't know why the links in the last entry won't go to the right place. Argh. It is frustrating, and I am working on it. If anyone wants to help, that would be great. Also, you should be able to sign my guestbook, once jing4 (hey buddy, how's that for a shout out?!) does the little thing he promised me he would do.
I've been meaning to update for a while, but I guess I have been busy. Also, there has been a lot on my mind and it seems like every time I try to get any of it down all my thoughts just go all over the place and it doesn't make any sense. Anyway, today was an okay day. I had to take a freaking TOEFL exam as part of the application process for this course that I might be taking which will give me certification to teach ESL. I met a nice Northern Irish boy on Thursday who teaches ESL here at the British Council. He told me that he came to Cairo two years ago and took a course to get the same certification I'll probably be working on. And then he spent a few months with no job. Finally he took out an ad in one of the English magazines here and he got some private clients. He told me the key is to find the "goldmine" - the client that really needs you and will keep you well-employed for a good period of time. In any case, thanks Nigel for your advice. Too bad you are obviously flaming and from the wrong side of the border. We could have been beautiful together.
So, this TOEFL exam, which was obviously really easy, got me up nice and early with puffy bags under my eyes. As usual, I had trouble falling asleep the night before. I am becoming more and more certain that the thing which I have identified for many years as "depression" is actually anxiety (thanks to BK for showing me the difference =-p). No matter how tired I am at night as soon as my head hits the pillow my mind is flooded with thoughts that are not conducive to drowsiness. I just immediately start thinking of all the things I wasn�t able to get done during the day, of the things that I wasn�t able to confront, of the life that I am not living. The funny thing is, I wake up so tired now that somewhere in the mid-afternoon I inadvertently end up taking a nap � something I was never able to do before. I�ve always had a hard time falling asleep during the day, and now I can do it in seconds. Anyway, I guess it�s not too bad, this schedule I am on now. I wake up earlier in the mornings, have a hell of a good rest during the slowest part of the day, and then I get to have some nice night hours to myself after everyone else has gone to sleep.
I do feel better about my life on a larger scale, but the little things are still causing me some trouble. I feel like I am wasting a lot of time, and that I have wasted a lot of time in the past. Jing4 was telling me recently that Buddhists believe that everything is an experience � if the experience is bad, you learn not to do it again, and if it is good then you have grown � so by that reasoning Jing doesn�t believe that anything is a waste of time. I do agree with him to a great extent, but there are still some frustrating moments that I have to deal with, where there seems to be nothing gained from the experience.
*sigh*
I should go�they are starting the call to dawn prayers, and I have to be up early again. I hope this wasn't too hard to follow - I know it's easier than when I actually speak in person. :) Goodnight all.