Bleh. That about says it all
April 18, 2004
I�ve been reading a lot of online diaries lately � and I don�t mean blogs where someone talks about large and important world issues or whatever � but those diaries that people update daily just to let their friends know what they�re up to and how they�re feeling. Essentially, that is what this is supposed to be, but in reading other�s diaries I realized I�m not quite there yet. I admire some people�s ability to just sort of sit down and whine and talk about how they�re feeling really bad about themselves, or about their freaking therapy sessions or whatever. Most of these diaries are written by Americans, and I do tend to think that Americans are a little too open and too dependent on the �I�m depressed, give me a break� card, but it is refreshing sometimes to see that people can be so uninhibited about their sadness, their weakness�whatever.
Having said all that, I�ve been really down on myself lately, and I really need to start doing a lot of things at once soon or I�m likely to go nuts. It�s so silly, but what really brought things into perspective for me was waking up early pretty much all of last week. Since I�ve been back in Cairo I�ve become a more nocturnal animal. I mean, I�ve always been more of a night than a morning person, but it�s become chronic since I�ve been here. I generally haven�t been sleeping before 3 or 4 am and waking up at around noon. This was really bothering me, and I kept beating myself up over it, until last week when I made the decision to wake up no later than 9:30 (10 if I decided to push it). I realize that�s not THAT early in the morning, but I figured I had to start small. Also, like 3 days in a row I ended up waking up more around 7:30-8 than 9:30. SO�anyway, the point here is that I realized why I don�t make a regular habit of waking up early. It is really depressing to wake up at like 8 and realize that you basically have nothing to do. And your whole day is going to be colored by that realization, especially when, like me, it doesn�t matter what time you wake up or how little sleep you�ve gotten you�re still pretty much not going to be able to fall asleep until really late at night. See, my old friend, selective insomnia, is back and with a vengeance. This means that I have a very hard time falling asleep and must be completely exhausted or completely numb to do so, and once I DO fall asleep I have a really hard time getting up. But if I DO get up then I generally don�t fall asleep again.
There are a thousand things I should be doing right now, namely my masters thesis and finding a job. I�ve been good lately about applying to jobs and then pretending I didn�t, so that I don�t have to face the crushing blow to my ego that comes with realizing I just spent 5.5 years and thousands of dollars on an Ivy League education only to find that no one wants to hire me because my GPA was less-than-stellar and I don�t really have much relevant experience. As for my M.A. thesis�well�my advisor rejected 2.5 (one was only half-baked) topics that I suggested for the thesis, and I�ve been sitting on a pretty decent idea for the past two and a half weeks, but I haven�t worked up the guts yet to send him an email and ask him what he thinks. I mean, it would include all the things I am interested in � politics, history, exile, Arabic literature, the Anglos, gender issues � while being a topic that I�m pretty sure no one has written about yet, but I think I would be crushed if he rejected the topic�because honestly folks, I�m all out of ideas and I�m almost done with caring about whether or not I ever get the damn degree. The ridiculous thing is that I realize that my biggest problem is facing rejection and/or less-than-perfection, so instead of doing something and being rejected, or having that something turn out not how I wanted, I have taken the cowardly approach of doing nothing. Nothing at all. It�s horrible I have about 5 books sitting on my night table that I started reading at some point or other, but which I put down in guilt because they were not related to my thesis or finding a job, and now I�m not any more informed about Buddhism, German philosophy, or Jews living in Egypt, but I�m not any closer to a written thesis or a job either. It�s a god damn spiral of self-destruction is what it is, and okay, I�ve managed to stop it from spinning downward, but I haven�t yet managed to get it to spiral back up.
And that�s about where I am now. I need to email my advisor and set some deadlines and I should probably call back some of those places I applied at, just to see if I can�t bug them into giving me an interview.
Words of encouragement are generally appreciated, but if your brand of encouragement involves tough love, then I don�t want to hear it.
Thanks and toodles.